On two occasions in the past couple of days, I've been so enamoured with Leigh that I have offered my hand in marriage.
Firstly, she sent me an SMS. It read, "Caaaaam. You've got mail."
An email that required SMS alertation? Bigods, it must important.
And it was. It was, in fact, another piece of CamFic.
"Leigh," I replied, "I don't want to freak you out. But will you marry me in some mass cult wedding?"
"Sorry baby," she replied, a hint of longing in her txt, "I'm engaged to Keanu... maybe if I was ten years older, and you were ten years younger, we could have some sort of highly illegal affair... but we're not - I'm sorry."
I cried myself to sleep that night.
But then the next day, she tempted me again.
We were chatting via the internet.
She asked me what I was wearing. Nothing, baby.
I asked her what she was wearing. A leather thong, honey.
She asked me what I was doing. Rubbing oil over my chest.
I asked her what she was doing. Reading Christopher Pike.
Okay, I made that up, the point is, she was reading Christopher Pike.
In fact, she was reading Remember Me by Christopher Pike, which is the only Christopher Pike book that I can remember. The rest of them have melted into an impenetrable blob of murders at beach parties and printing presses and the like.
Ah, Remember Me. Starring Shari as our dead protagonist trying to solve her own murder, dogged at every step by the evil... Shadow.
Christopher Pike... worthy of a marriage proposal? Why not. I proposed again.
"Leigh baby," I implored her, "Come drink the blood of the Fallen with me, in the Temple of the Stars. All the kids are doing it!"
"Sorry," she replied, barely able to contain her emotion, "There's a Dogstar gig that night."
Like an arrow through the heart. Twang. Phwoosh. Kignrgnnnngggggg. Spiff. Phoosh. Clatter.
Rejected again, I decided to console myself by reading up on Christopher Pike, and imagine my surprise when I discovered that there were two sequels to Remember Me. I hadn't remembered that.
I shall track them down and give a full account - in the meantime though, I can't help but think of R.L. Stine's Camera From Hell 2.
Say Cheese And Die 2, in any case.