Avant garde, no?

Hey there, you corporate zombie.

You must feel like a real goon when you compare yourself to me!

Look at you, sitting there, resplendent in your Nike sneakers, your Hanson tour shirt, your Baby-G watc- wait... Oh, I'm sorry, I was stuck on 1997.

Let's start over.

Hey there, you corporate zombie.

You must feel like a real goon when you compare yourself to me!

Look at you, sitting there, respledent in your Skechers, your Jet tour shirt, your Paul Frank cuff watch - you're such a conformist whore.

Not like me. That's right, I'm one of those people who pretends not to care what people think about the way he dresses.

But secretly does.

However, I AM very lazy... and thus am rescued from the gaping maw of hypocrisy.

The reason I bring all this up is this: I found a great shirt in my cupboard the other day. A great shirt.

I have, like, four shirts: A black shirt, a red shirt, a white shirt, and a white shirt with spraypaintings all over it. I wear all but the latter to work, on a rotating basis.

But when I was looking in my drawer for a shirt to wear yesterday, I found a perfect shirt.

It matched my stylish avacado coloured pants perfectly - people would look at it and say, "Holy Crap! I want that man's penis deep inside me... look at his great shirt! Look at how it fucking matches his pants so well! God! GOD! OHHHHHH!!!"

This is a shirt that would send every woman and approximately 10% of men into an unstoppable orgasm - just from looking at it.

The only real problem with it, I guess, was the terrifying Care Bear logo spraypainted onto the front.

What the hell, I thought, I'll wear it anyway.

Nobody thought anything of it.

Some time passed.

It was 8pm, and around the time at which I should be eating my dinner. I decided I'd cook up some 2 minute noodles, but when I went to the cupboard, there were no 2 minute noodles there.

"Holy Crap!" I shouted. I'd have to venture out into the town and buy some more!

I grabbed my car keys and my wallet, and I dashed out to the car. I drove down the street, and ran into the supermarket - it seemed a little quieter than usual. In fact, everybody seemed to be lying on the ground. In fact, the supermarket was in the middle of being robbed.

Three Masked Bandits were standing over the customers, while a fourth Masked Bandit emptied the registers.

"You!" shouted Masked Bandit A, "Get down on the fucking ground!"

"Please don't shoot me," I whimpered as I submitted to his request, "I don't want to die... please..." and I curled up into the fetal position.

"Shut the fuck up, you fucking pussy" he screamed at me, at which point I threw a box of OTs straight into his face - the corner hit him right in the eye.

"Motherfucker!" he screamed in agony.

"Thorpie says they're fully sick!" I shouted as I leapt into the air and kicked the gun out of his hands and into mine.

The other masked bandits all trained their weapons on me. "You're dead," one of them pre-emptively dead-panned. A little too pre-emptively, because a few seconds later, they were all unconscious, and I was very much alive. One of the hot blondes, whose already skimpy shirt had been somewhat ripped during all the commotion, ran over to me, as I stood there, stoically bleeding.

"Oh... Cam!" she moaned, her large breasts pressed against my chest, heaving, "How can I ever repay you?"

"Shut up and kiss me, you fool," I replied.

It was 8pm, and around the time at which I should be eating my dinner. I decided I'd cook up some 2 minute noodles, but when I went to the cupboard, there were no 2 minute noodles there.

"Holy Crap!" I shouted. I'd have to cook up some regular pasta instead.

I put the kettle on the boil, and put the pasta into a saucepan. Then the kettle came to the boil, and I put the boiling water into the saucepan on top of the pasta. It cooked. Then I put some in a bowl with some cheese and salami and olives, and ate it. It was pretty good.

Then I called up Vegie. Nobody was home. That's cool, I thought, I'll call Steve.

I was about to call Steve, when my phone rang. It was Vegie. He had been at home.

Anyway, Steve was over at Vegie's, so we decided that I should go join them.

I put on some shoes. I put on my jacket. I grabbed my phone. I grabbed my wallet. I grabbed my car keys.

I went to the front door. I opened the front door. I walked out. I closed the front door. I locked the front door. I walked to my car. I opened my car. I was about to get into my car, when something struck me as strange... something was... wrong with this picture... something.... something....

Aha! There was pasta sitting in the saucepan still! I locked the car and went back inside to put it in a plastic container, and then in the fridge.

I went to the front door. I opened the front door. I walked out. I closed the front door. I locked the front door. I walked to my car. I opened my car. I was about to get into my car, when something struck me as strange... something was... wrong with this picture... something.... something....

Oh, it was the massive cat sitting on my windscreen.

I jumped back about a metre in shock.

"HOLY CRAP!" I shouted. It didn't appear to be moving, so I had a closer look... it wasn't a cat... it was a stuffed animal of some sort... it was covered in blood and tied to my windscreen.

"That scared the fuck out of me," I said out loud. I then scanned the street for the perps... it hadn't been there approximately two minutes ago when I'd first come out to the car... then I heard giggling behind me... I spun around, and there was Cassie and Luke, hiding in my bushes, with a video camera.

I talked to them for about half an hour, and then it was really time that I went to Vegies. I hung out there for a while, and then at around 1, it was time to go home, really... Vegie offered me some cake, just prior to my leaving.

"This is not unlike an orange cake," I said to him.

He concurred.

I then continued, "It's like if there was an orange cake, and a chocolate cake, and they didn't really get along at all... like, they hated each other... but then the apocalypse came, and they were the only cakes left on earth, and it was up to them to repopulate the planet with cakes, and the orange cake was like, 'hey baby, let's get it on,' and the chocolate cake was like, 'maybe we should look for other survivors.'"

"Yes," agreed Vegie.

And then I went home.

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