If you think that social media, despite the name, hasn't made us less social than ever... you've got rocks in your head.
Exhibit A: Sexting. Back in my day, kids played doctor. Now they play e-health. Thanks Stephen Conroy.
Exhibit B: Letters. A dying artform. Nobody writes them anymore. When was the last time you saw a J or a W?
Exhibit C: Remember the good old days when there was no way to determine who was actually right in an argument so people shot each other?
Exhibit D: Smartphones. Or should I say Dumbphones????
Exhibit E: There's no PLUR anymore.
Exhibit F: Time was you could drive your Chevy to the levee and have a cool glass of levee water. Nowadays, the levee is dry.
Exhibit G: I don't believe in an interventionist god, but I know, darling, that you do. Would an interventionist god really have allowed social media?
Exhibit H: Cybercrime is bad for movies. Will we ever again see the likes of Vince Colosimo's Neville Bartos or the good LaPaglia's Badness?
Exhibit I: iPhone, iPad, iPod. This really is the iGeneration. Self absorbed and unconcerned about fluoride in the water supply. Hmmmm. I wonder why.
Exhibit K: The rise of social media directly correlates to the decline of the art of the callback.
Exhibit L: Losers. Used to be you could tell them by their side-flap hats. On the Internet you could be talking to a loser and not even know.
Exhibit M: In a Skyfall deleted scene it's explained that the reason Javier Bardem is so pissed at Judi Dench is because she unfriended him.
Exhibit N: We are never, ever, ever getting back together? NEVER, Taylor? What if there is a nuclear apocalypse and we need to repopulate?
Exhibit O: "OOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo" - a banshee before social media. "ur dead lol" - a banshee now.
Exhibit P: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers? What the fuck is that on about? Is this really newsworthy, lamestream media?
Exhibit Q: I feel like the resources devoted to invisible cars and grappling suspenders could probably be better spent on cancer research.
Exhibit R: Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-Rasputin-ah! Lover of the Russian queen! That was a bad romance. Makes you think.
Exhibit S: Not enough sky falling in Skyfall. Not enough driving in Drive. Not enough canes in Citizen Kane.
Exhibit T: Imagine if there were this many exhibits against you in a proper trial. You'd be like, "Enough! You've rumbled me pumpkins!"
Exhibit U: I guess you could say that this is the U (YOU) Generation, because for these kids it is all about YOU (me (them)). You know?
Exhibit V: V For Vendetta! Thank you for your services to goatee hiding!
Xzibit X: I heard you like having your street cred sapped by social media, so I put some meme in this tweet so you can meta while it tapers.
Exhibit Y: More like Generation Y Not? As in Generation Y Not Not Work, am I right? Get to work, Generation Y!
Exhibit Z: How come nobody was like, "Isn't it weird that Don Diego and Zorro have the same moustache?"
And THAT is why social media is making us less social than ever. I rest my case.