Avant garde, no?

DEAR EVERYONE except for the media,

Planking. We get it. It is a dumb thing that people do. If you think about it too much it could be a social-art movement, in which public space is reclaimed and paradigms subverted. And then if you think about it a bit more you realise it is, like everything, pointless.

We will all die and turn to dust and dissolve into the ether.

And one day the sun will burn brighter than ever before and everything that was humanity will be lost to the dark.

So keep planking or stop planking. Just remember that it doesn't matter what you do and neither does anything else.

DEAR THE MEDIA,

Oh, I'm sorry, did you think you were off the hook? You are not. Planking is, I am sure you will agree, a serious issue. If it were not, why would it be reported in your august pages and broadcast across your hallowed airwaves? You have, however, taken it too far. People have been arrested, teens have been suspended from school, a young man is dead.

Would he be dead if you hadn't given a passing fad planket coverage? Probably not. Is it fair to lay his death entirely at your feet? No.

So, let us blame Kerri-Anne Kennerley. This young man's blood, like so much innocent blood before his, is on her hands and her hands alone. She may as well have fashioned the planks of his coffin herself, whistling a haunting tune amongst the burls in her macabre woodwork shop of horror

Hang your head in shame, KAK.

DEAR PEOPLE WHO SAY 'PLANKING' IN PLACE OF 'WANKING',

It did not suddenly become socially acceptable to talk about your masturbation habits in polite conversation. Stop.

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