SOME NAMES CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT
Okay, so it has been a little while since I worked in Television Land, but that doesn't mean I can't maintain relationships with people who still live there - right?
So my friend Gavin is a hot shot big time big city fancy shmancy la-dee-fucken-da television producer guy. He must have noticed that my creative talents were going to waste in the other Media Lands, so a couple of weeks ago he asked me to come up with FIVE FANTASTIC IDEAS for Television Shows.
So, I came up with ONE that was better than five fantastic ideas combined.
Anyway, my idea was a drama/comedy about a girl whose face is stolen by a wombat and replaced with the wombat's face. This is inherently hilarious. A girl with the face of a wombat! A wombat with the face of a girl!
But the wombat is an identity thief (obviously) and he uses the girl's face to basically live a life of luxury, while the girl has to tackle the combined hardships of life with a wombat's face and life with an identity thief stealing all your money and shit.
Debt collectors would be all coming to the door, all like, "Excuse me Mrs. Booth, we're here representing Foxtel. You subscribed to all of the wombat channels but have failed to pay for them, we're here to collect."
And she'd be like, "It wasn't me! It was a wombat that stole my face!"
But they wouldn't believe her because she has the face of a wombat.
Anyway, I plotted out the first four 20 episode seasons, and picked out a viable dream cast, but when I presented it to Gavin, he was just like, "What the fuck is this?"
He was really disappointed, because he'd made this serious offer which could have send my TV career into the fucken TV stratosphere, and he thought I wasn't taking it seriously. BUT I WAS!
He was like, "What else have you got?"
And I said, "Well... I basically spent all of my time working on the scripts for Wombat Combat."
And he said, "Really? REALLY?"
I could tell he was actually super disappointed at this point, so I told him my other idea, which was a Guerrilla Gardeners style program about squatting. Basically we would take a bunch of people and squat an abandoned property and fix the place up to a reasonable living standard.
So I tell him this idea, and he says, "We can't do that!"
And I say, "Why not?"
And he says: "NUMBER ONE: It is quite illegal."
And I'm like, but so is just gardening all willy-nilly, Gavin!
And then he says: "NUMBER TWO: If they haven't already been evicted, they certainly will be after it goes to air."
And I say, "Okay, whatever, NEGATIVE GAVIN."
And he says, "What did you just call me?"
And I say, "Negative Gavin. It's what everyone calls you."
And he says, "Who calls me that?"
He is starting to get quite angry.
And I say, "Everyone, dude."
And he says, "Nobody has ever called me that before."
And I say, "They all say it behind your back, Gavin."
I think I really upset him with that knowledge, cos he made excuses and left after that.
Oh shit, I forgot to change any names.