It's okay, son, we'll love you no matter what you want to be.
OMG, dudes and dudettes. The current moral panic surrounding this emo thing has gotten well out of control and it's up to your good friend and confidant Dr. Cam to put a stop to it.
A report in Hobart's finest (well, only) newspaper today discusses the high rate of self-harm amongst emos.
Don't know what emo is? According to the Sunday Tassie, it's short for Very Emotional People. (Surely they should be called Vemops? Kids today, huh)
Come on an adventure with me. It'll be fun.
The article starts off with this statement:
"TASMANIAN teenagers are increasingly turning to self-harm, with as many as 20 per cent hurting themselves in a bid to deal with their daily stresses."
The incredibly reliable source of this disturbing statistic?
The mum of a 13 year old schoolgirl:
"My daughter has told me that self-harm is rife in her school," the mother, who didn't want to be identified, said.
She believes 20 per cent of the girls in her class are self-harming and she knows of at least 23 girls in her school."
Surely no self-respecting journalist would base the premise of their story around the speculation of a kid, as reported by her mum?
But what does emo have to do with self-harm? There's actually only one connection made between the two subjects in the article:
"Community Resilience and Mental Health Promotion project officer Dion Butler said self-harm and identification with the Emo subculture were increasing."
So... self-harm is on the rise. And identification with a sub-culture is on the rise. Is that guy not actually making a direct connection between the two? Surely the two phenomena are connected!
Or... maybe not? Mum also says: "These are middle-class girls who look perfectly normal and don't have any Emo ties. My daughter also knows lots of Emo kids who don't cut themselves."
Despite this, and despite any statement in the article which actually links an increase in self-harm to the rising popularity of emo... we get the massive front page headline: Shock Figures On Emo Culture.
HEY GENTLE READER, SHALL WE TAKE A QUICK DETOUR.
I draw your attention to another front page article from a different paper.
This time we are going to the sleepy seaside hamlet of Warrnambool. According to a report in the Warny Standard, anti-emo attacks are on the rise. The article lists a number of incidents:
"If they walk down the street they get heaps of abuse, and if they answer back, guys are jumping out of their cars and literally bashing them."
"One of her mates had a bottle thrown at her."
"One of my friends got bashed...he was just walking down the street ... and a bunch of guys jumped out of a car (and attacked him).
They ripped his shirt off and gave him a fat lip and a bruised eye."
"I had guys try to bash me in Melbourne (but luckily) some other friends came along."
"I've had people come up and hand over a razor and say `Why don't you go kill yourself in the toilet?'"
This particular article is a lot more sensible than the Sunday Tassie one.
Written in the wake of the recent double suicide in Melbourne (an event which arguably sparked the current panic) it even notes that contrary to most media reports one of the girls was not actually that emo at all.
AND NOW WE RETURN TO THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!
HARDEN UP, EMOS. If people are giving you shit over your floppy hair, there is a solution: it's called STABBING A CUNT.
Look it up.
(If you've got some cunts that need stabbing, why not try Direct Knife Sales? They've got all the knives you need!)