My friend Johnny Leatherjacket has a problem.
Well, to be absolutely accurate he happens to have many problems.
But only one of those problems is keeping him awake every night, and that problem is the spectre which haunts his bedroom and gets right up in his face and "just stares, man" while he's trying to sleep.
Other unexplained phenomenon in the house include double-bolted doors just swinging open and a sink which actually makes dishes dirtier if you try and wash them in it. (I concede that the latter has more to do with micro-biology than the paranormal.)
When Johnny moved into the room, the landlord told him he might have some spooky troubles of some sort, on account of the young koori teenager who had hung himself in his bedroom some years previous, but not to worry - he was harmless.
Johnny Leatherjacket scoffs - SCOFFS - at this assessment. "Can you die from a lack of sleep?" he asks me.
Johnny Leatherjacket is telling me all this because he is very, very drunk. He wants to find a solution.
I recommend an exorcism. This brings us to another problem. I'm no exorcism expert, but I am fairly sure that an exorcist would insist on a full cleansing of the premises... and that could be slightly difficult. The joint is a hotbed of satanic activity. The first thing you see when you walk in the front door is a picture of a demon.
An exorcism would definitely have a negative effect on such aesthetic contributions.
It's a conundrum. I will be sure to report all developments.