Avant garde, no?

Television.

What does it mean? Where is it going? Why are we here? All of these are questions - and what is a question if not something which needs to be answered?

Television (verb): from the Israeli city of Tel Aviv, Is - the icelandic rune for Ice, and Ion - an atom or group of atoms with a net electric charge.

Television has been around for thousands of years, but we have only just recently been able to watch it, thanks to the invention of the Television Set in 1989 by Dr. Hugarth T. Frenteske of France, New Mexico. Every morning TV presenters wake up and say, "Thank fuck for Hugarth T. Frenteske."

He is the man who gave their lives meaning.

Television has many purposes. It provides us with entertainment and invokes emotional responses: laughter, tears, happiness, sadness, desire to buy products which are 50, 60, up to 70% off.

It can also educate us: 1 is the loneliest number, Love is a 4 letter word, the letter of the day is Scarlet.

Finally, Television can change the world. Man sets foot on the moon, an image broadcast around the globe, and a million children are inspired to do great things. Humanity bears witness to the brutality of a dictatorship, the hearts of voters are set aflame with righteous anger, and the politicians and power-brokers sit up and take notice. Theo Kojak swaps cigarettes for lollipops and sales of the latter go through the roof.

Who loves ya, baby?

We do, Lt. Kojak.

We do.

But I digress... I have been charged with writing a review of The Week In New Zealand Television, and that is what I intend to do.

As someone who is in Australia, I must confess that I did not watch even a single minute of New Zealand Television this week - but will I let that stop me?

NO! Quitters never win, and winners are grinners, and I fully intend to be a winning, grinning non-quitter.

This is the Week in New Zealand Television:

Monday: John Campbell and Paul Holmes set tongues wagging (so to speak) when their advertised jelly wrestling contest quickly turns into a jelly MAKE OUT contest. They make it all the way to third base before the broadcast is pulled (so to speak!).

Tuesday: Ian and Mary Grant present "Hot Tips For Marriage And Relationships" on Shine TV. Marks the first use of the papal Mitre within the context of a saucy double entendre on New Zealand television.

Wednesday: The News. Prime Minister Helen Clark busts out a heartwrenching version of "My Heart Will Go On" on the steps of the Bee Hive. Toadfish and Dr. Karl hatch a cunning plan of their own. Will the Bee Hive become the Bee Jive, a 70s themed disco?

Thursday: Shortland Street. The hospital is overrun by orcs, elves and spacemen from outer-space. Can Dr. Mark Weston find the magical flute before they turn his hospital into a chaospital?

Friday: Everybody talks in funny accents. For example, the innocuous food stuff 'Fish And Chips' is pronounced 'Fush And Chups'!! It's CRAZY

And that is the week in New Zealand Television.

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