When I was a wee lad, I thought Murder She Wrote was some weird supernatural program - like Jessica Fletcher would write these stories of murder and they would come true...
Sadly, this is not the case. Nevertheless, I've grown quite fond of Jessica Fletcher's wild adventures over the past few weeks, as I've eaten my lunch.
"What's that Mrs. Fletcher getting up to this time" I say.
Anyway, that's not the point.
The point is, the dark.
I fucking hate the dark. The dark is not cool. It is scary.
It freaks me right out, and by right out, I mean I'm stalling.
It's not the dark itself I'm scared of - it's what's hanging out in the dark.
Also, giant squids.
Diving off the coast of North Bali a few years back (Well, 6 or 7 years back, when I was a globe-trotting world traveller guy) I remember freaking out whenever I would swim over an abyss.
I don't like abysses.
Because, thanks to 20,000 leagues under the sea, I KNOW that abyssi are CHOCK full of giant squid.
Anyway, I overcame this fear the other day. Well, not the abyss fear.
I came home from work, or whatever it is I spend my time on these days, and it was late... Actually, I may have been coming home from a party of some description (a fiesta) and it was really late. Like, 4am.
And I was like, shit, I bet those shadows are full of murderers and criminals and axe-weilding neo-nazis.
And then I thought, and this is the bit I don't usually think, you know, I bet they aren't.
And then, because I'm very cocky when I'm overcoming fears, I thought: You know what? Even if the shadows were full of murderers and criminals and axe-weilding neo-nazis... I reckon I could take at least three of them before I went down.
And thus, I was cured.
Anyway, so a couple days after that, SteveSteve came around to my pad with The Shining on DVD - the Stephen King directed version.
FUCK! That was some freaky shit. If you've got, like, 5 hours to kill, I thoroughly recommend it. It really freaked us out.
Even stoic, brave SteveSteve "I cut up dead people" McGilligan jumped when a guy with a wolf mask jumped out. (I screamed out "FUUUUCKKK!")
Anyway anyway, the point is, when it was over, SteveSteve "I cut up dead people" McGilligan required driving home, possibly due to the fact that he had come around to my pad in my car.
When I got him to his place, I wasn't allowed to leave until he was inside.
I hope people who have fucked him are reading this - not so brave now, is he.
Anyway, I drove back to my place, and got out of my car, and strode right through my door - cos, like Kevin in Home Alone (can you believe they made Home Alone 4?) I WASN'T AFRAID ANYMORE.
Okay, so, in reality, I tiptoed up my driveway, twitching like a speed-freak at every little noise.
I got to my door, and I said to myself, "Okay, pull yourself together, it was just a movie."
I opened the fly wire door, and a... a... a... MOTH flew out at me.
"FUUUUUUCKKKKK!" I screamed.
Not cured. Oh well.