Hi there, Reader!
It's your old friend, Citizen Cam, political commentator extraordinaire.
And boy... do I have news for you! I have, in fact, BREAKING NEWS.
The Italian Media was way too quick off the gun on this one... they were all, "Yo, the Pope is Dead!" and then the Vatican was all upons: "The Pope? Dead? Not yet, motherfuckers!"
That's exactly what the Vatican said.
But now he's dead, and nobody knows yet but me, thanks to my Vatican City snitch, who we shall call Deep Pope, so as to protect him from the wrath of the Vatican City Secret Police.
The whole thing happened thanks to the wonder of telephones!
Deep Pope: Hello? Is Dr. Cam there?
Dr. Cam: Speaking. Who's this?
DP: It's me... David.
DP: You know... David Bride... your Vatican City snitch.
DC: Oh, right! What's news?
DP: The Pope Is Dead.
DC: The Pope Is Dead? What the fuck.... He's only been Pope for like a month!
DP: 33 days. Wack, yo?
DC: Holy fucking Jesus fucking Christ... how did he die?
DP: Well... they're saying it was a heart attack... but Cam, dig deep on this one... there's a shitload more going on than they're saying.
DC: Man... I'd love to... but I'm kind of lazy. I've basically just been listening to The Who records back-to-back for the last 21 days.
DP: OK, what if I told you that the "overdose" of Keith Moon and the "heart attack" of the Pope were directly related?
DC: Um... I can't see inverted commas over the telephone. But go on.
DP: They were both getting too close to what's really going on in the Institute of Religious Works... that thing's as fucking crooked as a snake sandwhich in a vice.
DC: I'll look into it.
And indeed I will... but for those who are just joining us, I have the following breaking news:
Pope John Paul I has died of a heart attack, only 33 days after his election as the Pope!