My letter to the local paper:
Dear Parents of Warragul,
Do you know where your children are of an evening?
At around 2am on the morning of Saturday, 4th of March a friend and I were bored.
It was well past our bedtimes, but heck - we didn't want to go to sleep!
But what is there for young men in their early 20s to do in Warragul on a Saturday night - if (den den dennn!) they don't feel like getting drunk with the puddlebrains at the pub?
We had a guitar, and Warragul had a skate-park, so we decided to go sit on the "lip" of a "bowl" and "hang out." To use the vernacular of today's hip-hopping youth, it would have been fly (good).
Instead, it was wack (bad). In fact, it was wiggedy wack (very bad).
For when we arrived at the skate park in our pimpmobile (car) we were beset upon by a dozen or so underage caucasian heterosexual thugs.
We could tell they were heterosexual by their constant desire to tussle with other men, while simultaneously making assumptions in regards to our own sexuality.
Furthermore, despite laws strictly forbidding such a practice, they had all been drinking!
Anyway, they proceeded to attempt to intimidate us, and though their scowls were spotty, and their voices high and squeaky, we were significantly outnumbered, and attempted to make a smooth exit.
This exit was marred by one of them climbing up the back of my car as I reversed.
Then another of them, in a move that surely indicated an Einsteinian intelligence, decided to jump up onto the bonnet of my car and throw himself into my windscreen, which promptly shattered.
Now, in their defence, these kids were drunken puddlebrains... They probably didn't mean for their wacky nighttime shenanigans to go quite so far - just as another of their kind didn't intend to kill Chris Williams at a Melbourne Tramstop.
It's quite a pickle, isn't it, Parents of Warragul? What are we going to do?
Oh, I don't know... how about you get your darn act together - what are a bunch of teens doing wandering the streets drunk at 2am on a Saturday morning? Being neglected by their parents, that's what.
So, do you know where YOUR children were?
Name Withheld, Warragul.
Sadly, it wasn't printed as is, but instead mixed as quotes into an article about the incident. Still, a classy article, eh, Warragul readers? In fact, you can all marvel at the classiness of the article, thanx to "the wonders of typing!"
I fucking hated learning to touchtype... Back at the school I went to in Indonesia, you had to be able to type at like... 60 words per minute by 8th Grade... I have no fucking clue how I managed it, cos I rarely practiced, but it's times like these that being able to touchtype at 90wpm really come into their own:
Man attacked at Warragul skatepark!
Police are investigating a criminal damage incident early Saturday morning when a group of teenagers appeared to attack a man and his car at the Warragul skate park.
Police said a man had parked his Ford station wagon in Burke St near the skate park when the incident occured at about 1.50am.
The owner of the vehicle was at the skate park when he and a friend were approached by a group of eight to 12 teenagers.
Police said the victim reported that one of the youths climbed on the roof of the car while another jumped on the bonnet of the car and smashed the windscreen.
At the same time, some of the other youths stole four (ED: It was actually three) hubcaps from the vehicle.
Police said about $300 damage was caused to the vehicle and the hubcaps were valued at $160.
The victim, who did not want to be named said parents needed to be aware of where their children were at 2am in the morning.
"It's quite a pickle, isn't it... what are we going to do? How about you (parents) get your darn act together - what are a bunch of teens doing wandering the streets drunk at 2am on a Saturday morning? Being neglected by their parents, that's what," he said.
The victim said he and a mate had gone to the skate park to play guitar and "hang out."
The man said he and his mate were intimidated by the youths who had made assumptions about their sexuality.
He said they were trying to leave the scene in their car when the youths decided to jump on the back and front of the vehicle.
He said they appeared to be drunk and "probably didn't mean for their wacky night time shenanigans to go quite so far."
In an unrelated incident...
And that is that!