Avant garde, no?

It went down a little bit like this:


i know everyone is sick of this queston, but i dont care. i think ashley probuly lost hey virginity not to long ago, but i think mary kate has been with a few guys. she seems to have this wild side to here that ashley doesnt have

This was met with such amusing comments as:


They're so small, I feel like they're going to break if they do do it.

And LucyCapp weighed in with:

i agree. but it's not because they're boyfriends go to college... i think it's soooo normal to have sex with a person you're in love with. come on, ash and her boyfriend have recently broken up, but they've been together for how long? 3 years!!! it's normal they wanted to share that moment! but it's not about time. in my opinion it would be normal even if mary kate, who's been dating that guy for few months, had made love! what's so wrong with that???

To which IzzyFromTheShire replied:

wait lucycapp, you said whats wrong with that?? well ill tell you that you are only supposed to have sex inside of marriage. thats whats wrong with it. im on this abstinence team and we go around town and teach people that. so i hope i tought you somethin.

That’s some classy conversion work, right there.

To that I replied:

Abstinence Team, eh?

dOOder! You should totally have, like, a bus... or just somebody's mom's minivan, but with... ABSTINENCE TEAM! painted on the side of it. There should also be flame decals, to make it go faster, thus increasing the amount of people you can save. On the back of the bus/minivan there should be a picture of Jesus, but not a stupid one. Not Jesus being all stern and "money changers in the temple of my Father?" That's grumpy Jesus. You need sassy Jesus, and he can be busting some fly hip-hop move. And there should be some cool saying about abstinence - to really connect to the all important youth-market.

"Hey G. Sexicans is for Mexicans. Those damn dirty spics."

"Illicit copulation = eternal damnation, fool."

Also, Jesus should totally be wearing bling bling.

Also, you need fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror.

Also, you need loud speakers. Really, really, really loud speakers. Through which a message of abstinence can be pumped out to a soaring bass line.

But don't limit yourself to one town, find people who you can trust to spread the word, and get them to start chapters in other towns. Then in other states.

Finally, while you're driving around, see if you can't run over a couple of those fags. I'm fairly sure God isn't uber-keen on them.


Cameron “34 Years Old and Still An Innocent� Sexenheimer

There was a bit of preachery back and forth and then:

Enotsnire said:

This is for CamSexenheimer, izzyfromtheshire and all the other abstinence preachers:

I am not trying to criticize you, but i would like to learn more about your opinions, which I respect. I should mention that I am a 19 year old non-virgin girl, and though i do not part of any religion, I am a spiritual person. I do not plan to ever get married. I beleive that marriage is unnecessary and outdated. However, i want to continue having sex and i would love to have children someday. What is your opinion of people that do not want to get married. Should I, and others like me, remain abstinant forever? Should we not have children? Should we marry anyway?

Do you agree even a little bit that marriage has become outdated because women and men no longer need each other in order to survive the way they did back in the Bible days, or even just 100 years ago?

Then Cheernchick4u2c12 accused me of pedophilia with this dandy comment:

You know who CamSexenheimer reminds me of..The old teacher from Donnie Darko..The one who was in charge of the dance team..sorry i cant remember the names..its been a while since i have seen it..And who cares..sex is just a way to show how much u love each other..and yes i think marriage is pretty outdated.. "Just because you're paranoid, doesnt mean they're not after you"~Kurt Cobain

To which I replied:

Yeah, and you remind me of that slut Gretchen, who had sex before marriage! Sinner! No wonder she got hit by lightning in the end. God was punishing her.

This brought her reply:

..I dont believe in god..well, actually Kurt is my god..and ur a little to into this *beep*..and how would u know if i have had sex yet?

To which I replied:

God knows, Cheernchick4u2c12. God always sees, even when it's dark and everybody's asleep. He knows WHAT YOU'VE DONE! Oh... why? Gerald!

To which she replied:

Well..Your not "god" and im a virgin..im waiting for marriage..not for religious reasons though, i just dont see the problem with someone wanted to show their love to each other..so stop being such a bitch about things *beep* bible freak.

To which I replied:

Well, you've convinced me that my religion is wrong... I don't see the problem with someone wanting to show their love to someone else before marriage anymore, thanks to your compelling arguments...

Oh, wait, I forgot about the vengeful WRATH OF THE LORD! A christian revolution is coming, Cheernchick4u2c12, and when it does, the first sinners against the wall will be the homosexuals, then the gays, then the fags, then the mexicans, then the liberals, then the evolution teachers, then the teens who just couldn't wait until they married. And when that revolution does come, you WILL FEEL the white HOT flame of persecution. Are you ready for that? Is your sinful skin thick enough? I don't think so. That's why I'm such a b*tch about things... I don't want you to have to go through that... because I love you. And Jesus loves you. And I love Jesus... it's a love that comes from the heart, not our warm, pulsating groins.

Then Cheernchcik or whatever her name was possibly cottoned on:

Ok..at first u just started pissing me off now im laughing my ass off..i think ur just trying to *beep* with people..anyways i believe in evolution and i cant wait until it happens, to bad it wont be for a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very long time :( . If there is a god why is there world hunger and depression and all that *beep*..and i know this is childish..but who made "god"?

I couldn’t be having with THAT!

I assure you, Cheernchick4u2c12, I am very serious.

In response to your first question, the reason that there is world hunger and depression and all that 'jazz' is because of the way so many ignore the instructions of the Lord. Our God is a vengeful God. He will only turn the other cheek to the sinning of the world so many times before He smacks its a*s down with some world hunger and depression.

As for your second, accurately labeled, question, nobody 'made' God. He's not like one of your elaborate sex toys - requiring assembly. He has always been there, and He will always be there, though when our revolution comes, you won't be.

Yours sincerely,

As always,

Cam Sexenheimer

Then she went on the offensive, questioning my own morality. My morality! Me!

ok..i dont have sex toys i dont believe in that kinda stuff..i just dont think u should judge someone like that just because they have sex..also i find it funny u talk alot about people having sex toys..and also saying "warm pulsating groins"..U really like to think about these kind of things..

But Cam Sexenheimer has an answer for everything:

Listen, I think about "warm pulsating groins" and "throbbing genitals" for the same reason that I have such a large collection of anal beads and dildos - it's all part of my job as President of the Abstinence Team.

While my job has a lot of perks, one of the disadvantages of it is that I must subject myself to such horrors as these in order to better understand the mind of the Enemy (Satan and his growing legions of horny teens).

Only then may we defeat the Enemy in our Abstinence Van.

Flame decals and fuzzy dice are all very well, but they are nothing without clear intelligence reports.

Then Aralc85 chipped in his/her two cents:

It's funny how a thread that should be about Mary Kate & Ashley got turned into a thread about whether or not it's right to have sex before marriage lol. Personally I don't think they're virgins but I really could care less. I just think it's funny to come on here and read what people have to say...and once again it provided for some good entertainment ;)

Cheernchick replied to that with:

I agree with u but yet i really cant talk cuz i just had a really long, pointles ,childish fight with that sexenheimer f*u*c*k*e*r..So im just gonna end that by saying..there is no way to tell who is right or wrong..we may think we are right..but really nobody knows..im not going to reply to anymore of sexenheimer’s weird posts unless one of them really pisses me the *beep* off which im sure one of them will...

She wasn’t wrong:

Actually, only one half of the argument was childish, and that was yours.

As long as you don't intend to reply, I might as well finally stoop to your level and make it clear that I believe you to be a harlot, a hussy and a scarlet woman. When the Rapture comes (any day now) I will rejoice as you are pulled down with the other sinners: The gays, the fags, the homosexuals, the 'demoncrats,' the celebrity chefs (Leviticus 3:19, people!), the abortion murderers, the clarinet players, the goths and the hormone-filled teens who disrespected the Lord.

This did the trick:

ok *beep* my last post.. U need to shut the *beep* up..u really dont know anything about me..im pretty good most of the time..however when assholes like u piss me off i become a total bitch..Why do u insist i have sex toys and *beep* alot of guys..i have never had sex nor do i have any sex toys. And what is the big *beep* deal with gay people? Im not gay but damn let them be happy they are human beings just like you and me. I dont agree with Abortions at all. Im not a bad person i just dont believe in god..

"Im not a bad person i just dont believe in god.."

I'm sorry, Cheernchick4u2c12, but in the Lord's eyes, that does make you a bad person.


Cam Sexenheimer

It was at about this point that the secular folk at the IMDB wisely deleted the conversation from their server. But not before I saved it!

A graphical interpretation of the van

I didn't make this, but if you did, drop me a line on my email so's I can give you your credite.